Monday, 27 February 2017

Sitting with the tulips

This week I am a lady of leisure. Sort of. There's still laundry, and food shopping, and DIY, washing up, painting, and all the other things that adulthood brings, but I am not at work (see previous post). But I am doing these things on my own. My boyfriend and friends are all at work so I am rediscovering the feeling of independent time. Its great! Not that I don't love spending time with people, but I am enjoying the calm self-absorbed peace of not having to consider any one else when planning my actions. If I feel like walking out the door and popping to the shops, then I can without asking "Want anything from the shops? Remember to put the laundry out!" before I go. I still say bye to Chloe the cat but she doesn't ever want anything from the shops and she never remembers to put the laundry out.

There's a calm peace of being alone in a place you're comfortable in. Right now I am sitting on my bed, on top of the yellow stripy duvet, with the throw pillows scattered around me, the multi-coloured tulip bouquet sits on my bedside in my late grandma's vintage glass vase. There's no thought of where I need to be or what I need to do. I have a list of things to do but I can do them later when I feel more like it. Right now I feel like sitting with the tulips.

OGD x

Friday, 24 February 2017

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So today is a very odd day. I’ve known today was coming for a while and yet I haven’t known how to prepare or even if I should – today is my last day at work. 

I woke up this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. This was half because bed was cosy, but also because if I got up then today would happen so naturally if I didn’t it wouldn’t. Infallible logic aside I did get up, made an effort with my hair, and put on a new pair of brown dogtooth peg leg trousers I acquired while supposedly helping a friend shop for a date outfit. These trousers are great, they fit well and are soft and they make my legs look like legs and not sausage meat packs (which the leggings I also tried on did). The only bad thing about these trousers is that they need to be worn with flats and bare feet as they are ankle grazers. Well, I say ankle grazers but due to the length of my legs they were about 3 inches above my ankle. Never the less, this was the effortless smart-cool look I wanted to be remembered for. I stood at the bus stop for 15 minutes in what my phone told me was “real feel” temperature of -4. My toes went numb. Another girl walked past me in a similar ankle grazers and ballet pumps combo and I wondered if her feet were as chilly as mine. The bus was similarly frosty so by the time I got to the office my toes had gone beyond numb to painful from the cold. Damn wanting to look cool on my last day. I treated myself to a coffee on the way in and tried to pretend this day was normal.

In my efforts to make today normal I didn’t arrange a formal leaving party; neither am I popular enough for anyone to object to my quiet exit. I casually invited anyone I spoke to at work over the last week to come to the pub for lunch today but therefore had no idea who would turn up or even be available. So 7 of us went to the pub and had a lovely and, upon clarification that it is a disciplinary offence, sober lunch. It seemed odd that of my three and a half years at this trust I had only managed to accrue 6 people that would make the time to see me off, which made me sad but then I remembered I had only casually invited people and not made a thing of it therefore I couldn’t expect people to come. I have worked in six departments in my time here and one role was for half my total time therefore that was reflected in the attendance; 5 from the longest role, 1 from the others. It struck me that everyone there was some kind of administration, of all the clinical professionals I have worked with there still seemed to be a divide between them and myself - culture fail. 

I was given leaving presents of flowers, a bottle of bubbles, and some cards which was lovely. I was dreading a fuss or being asked to speak to people, not that I mind speaking in public, but I wouldn’t know how to describe how I was feeling today never mind summarise the whole experience. The afternoon passed sluggishly, as there was only a few emails, key returns, and setting my out of office, for me to do. Upon writing my out of office I was self-slighted at how short it was, surely there was more to say than I had left and for anything contact this person. I stretched the meagre message over as many lines as possible without looking ridiculous and clicked save. 

I left early as there wasn't anything else to do and went to the bus stop. It was warmer so my toes didn't freeze. As I stood there I wondered would that be the last time I used that bus stop? It's a silly thing to worry over but it got to me. It's not just a job I was leaving but my whole weekly routine, the bus route, which bus pass I need, the pubs and cafes nearby, I don't know any of those things about where I'm going. Easy enough to learn over time I guess but it will be a few weeks of disorientating wandering before I get the hang of a new place. At home I made a cup of tea which I realised I hadn't done at work today having taken my mug home yesterday.

Now my leaving flowers are in vases and the prosecco is cooling in the fridge. I'm feeling at a loss of what to feel. But in the words of Will from Notting Hill, today has been Surreal, but nice.

OGD x

Saturday, 11 February 2017

Good News Everybody!

Good News Everybody! I am no longer facing impending doom - well at least not imminent impending doom. I'm sure my doom will catch me at some point though.

I am starting a new job at a new place with new people and new new new, all the new. I seem to swap from the digital opposites of adventurous excitement and utter dread. At the moment I am leaning towards excitement because a change is so overdue. I think the unease at change is an intrinsically human thing to have but I am determined not to let it hold me back from experiencing new things.

Wish me luck.

OGD x